


it will not be forgotten

by missymeggins



Category: Farscape
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:42:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23080360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missymeggins/pseuds/missymeggins
Summary: aeryn tries to make peace with her time as an assassin
Relationships: John Crichton/Aeryn Sun
Kudos: 7





	it will not be forgotten

She kills people. She doesn't try to justify it or frame it in noble words. She kills people; it's a fact. 

There was a time when she believed completely in the honour of being a Peacekeeper. She believed in its very definition, despite the obvious contradictions in her – in their – actions. 

Now the irony tastes bitter in her throat. 

-

There has always been death in her life. But this is different; this she sees right up close. She shuts her eyes as theirs close for the last time. She doesn't want to see. 

(But she does, in her dreams.)

-

They aren't good people. 

She knows this. 

And she does believe that she's doing the right thing ultimately but the thing that haunts her is knowing that this is not where her life was supposed to end up. 

(She was supposed to be with John. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how afraid she was to stay with him on Moya, she knows that simple fact is true. She was supposed to be with John; not in Tormented Space working as an assassin.)

-

“I was an assassin,” she tells him quietly. “I killed in cold blood and, yes, they deserved it; I killed evil people John, but I didn't want to tell you because I was ashamed. You told me I could be more and instead I came became something even worse.”

She has trouble letting the words out, he can see it on her face and in the way she holds her head up defiantly but looks straight past him into nothing. 

“Can you forgive me?” she asks, voice steely.

“Aeryn,” he says softly, brushing his fingers across her cheek, “You don't need my forgiveness. That's the whole point of loving someone.”

She looks at him now, properly, and there's fear in her eyes as she says, “Not even for leaving?”

The words twist inside him and for a moment he's just so angry because they've been punished too much and it breaks his heart to see how much she's suffered but he pushes the anger aside because it's not the what they need. Instead, he takes her hand and holds it tightly to his chest.

“There is nothing you have done or ever could do that requires my forgiveness Aeryn. I love you.”

She doesn't say anything, just leans her head on his shoulder and lets him hold her tightly. 

-

She has trouble going back. Habits are hard to break and John tries to ease the pulse pistol out from under her pillow but she snatches it back from him, puts it back in it's place and slides her hand under the pillow to curl around the hilt. 

He curls his arm around her waist in response, a silent declaration, I will keep you safe too. 

In time she lets her free hand hold tightly to his and lets the warmth of his chest against her back be the complimentary anchor to the cold metal under her fingers. 

She hopes one day the warmth is all she’ll need.


End file.
